NEW HIGH-STAKES TESTS FOR AMERICA: How Much Damage Can Be Done?

by L Jackway 

We, the enlightened State Department of Education, the omnipotent source of testing strategies, are continually designing new methods of evaluating the degree of compliance to our crafty standards. However, we are aware that some groups of citizens have not been subjected to the present threats associated with failure of our high-stakes tests. Therefore, we are asking the Legislature for $10,000,000,000 to establish standards, create testing materials and administer the following new evaluation tools:

LAIMS: for legislators
This test will determine the success level for each state legislator in terms of her/his positive participation in legislation designed to keep money flowing (1) to the State Department of Education, (2) to private and charter schools, and (3) for additional programs to increase pressure and disgrace on our state's teachers, students and parents.

DAIMS: for the people at the State Department of Education
In keeping with our goal of improving education in our state and funding the omnipotent source of the knowledge to do so, this test will evaluate the extent to which oppressive programs and protocols are developed and executed in the schools of our state.

MAIMS: enhanced version of our high-stakes test for students who passed it once
This test will attempt once again to trap the students who slipped through the net by passing the earlier holy version of our high-stakes test. These students must be tested again and again until they fail to pass, otherwise the test may be judged ""too easy"" and therefore we will look as though we have not done our job, which is: test, test, test so we know where all students are, not that we are going to create programs and adequately help schools so the students will pass. That''s not our job. That''s the job of the lazy teachers.

HAIMS: for the Head Start children
Following the lead of President Bush, and in keeping with our recognition that learning to read early is critical for a child''s future success, the creation of this test will give a baseline for additional norm-referenced testing. This test will be similar to existing standards as embedded in the State Standards, such as: Reading: ""Students learn and effectively apply a variety of reading strategies for comprehending, interpreting and evaluating a wide range of texts including fiction, nonfiction, classic and contemporary works."" We stand firm with our position that evaluating reading proficiency cannot begin too early.

PAIMS: for prenatal testing of embryos
This test of readiness for reading and math will help establish a baseline for creation of a norm-referenced battery of tests to administer to expectant mothers. The administration of the tests will be with ultrasound. The results of PAIMS will allow for development of standards and curricular materials that can be used to inculcate embryonic future students with the facts necessary to become contributing citizens in an expanding world culture. Mothers who fail this high-stakes test will be required to delay birth until a passing grade has been achieved.

GAIMS: for the genetically altered children of the future
This test will be a bold leap forward into the future and will spotlight the State Department of Education as the outstanding generator of predetermined educational performance standards based on our forced goals. It will be used to identify deficient products (we used to call them 'students') of the mechanics (we used to call them 'teachers') in the knowledge factories (we used to call them 'schools') which we have mandated to program the minds of the products with facts which we can then test with the other evaluation tools in the high-stakes test set. Disposition of the identifiable deficient products and incompetent mechanics, at this time, has not been resolved. We will need further appropriations with which to study such disposition.